Miss Swan and the Atomizer
by Beat-UpOldShoes
Summary: Two things Regency England doesn't have; cellphone reception and toilet paper. But hey, how bad can that be right? Peaches Swan and Jazzie Whitlock are gonna find out the hard way. Austen-Ward features prominently. Detailed summary inside! :D


**Heylo co- timetravellers. I'm Sara and I bring to you, the sexiness that it Austen-Ward.**

_**Summary:**_

_****__Best friends Peaches Swan and Jazzie Whitlock are caught in a mishap with a certain naughty atomizer. This results in an explosive joyride to a world with no toothpaste, no tv and certainly no toilet paper. Oh no. What will this crazy duo ever do? _

_Read on to find out._

_Oh, like I said Austen-Ward riding on a black stallion, tips his hat at you. Do you stand a chance?  
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><p><strong><span>Miss<span> Swan and the Atomizer**

Chapter Numero Uno 

"Yo Swan!" he yelled across the crowded cafeteria. Oh no. There goes my potentially good day, I groaned. Gritting my teeth and squeezing my eyes shut I ignored his annoying voice and doubled my pace instead, squeezing between people. Bad mistake. Like really bad. The closing of eyes thing, not the doubling of my pace. Though come to think of it, it was just as bad an idea.

One minute I was hurrying between people, scrunching my nose against the smell of food and sweat, and the next I decided that the floor looked like it needed a hug. The grimy, linoleum floors of the cafeteria. Yeugh. And being the sweet, nice girl I am, I obliged. Alert the newspapers people for here came the face-plant of the century.

Oh fuck. This was going to smart.

Just as suddenly as I fell, I felt strong, calloused hands on my upper arm pulling my up as the floor tiles grew bigger and bigger. I saw a shock of dirty blonde hair in my peripheral vision and smiled. You have yet to fail me Lola.

"Princess, was closing your eyes the smartest thing to do?" I heard his voice smirk. Oh that cocky bastard.

I whipped around hoping to look calm and collected but as usual I failed. My face felt like it was burning off my flesh and I honest to god smelled burning skin. I figured my red face was a dead giveaway and dropped the act.

I looked up and yup, a million odd people were staring at me. Ay caramba. This was getting worse and worse.

"Nothing to see here people. Mah princess just thought the floor looked lonely." He shouted out, his Texan accented voice dripping with humor. The crowd seemed to blink in tandem before turning back to their previous task as if nothing happened.

Freaky huh?

Jazz had that effect on people. You could almost see the persuasion ray spill forth from his cornflower blue eyes. Ah Jazzie, my omnipresent saviour saving my ass from further embarrassment. As usual.

Jazzy was my best bud, my partner in crime. Jasper Hale-Whitlock was Lola to me and blonde haired, smoky eyed sex god to every other girl.

The story behind his name never failed to bring a smile to my face, no matter how bad the day was…

_6 years ago_

_I was mad._

_Summer break was in full swing and so was summer. Yup, the summer sun, the soaring temperatures and the suffocating humidity did nothing to alleviate my pissy mood. It had in fact converted the vibrant city of Phoenix into Death Valley. _

_It was hot._

_I sighed as I wiped the trickle of sweat from my neck, I had to get out of this house before I spontaneously combusted, or melted. Or both. Determined not to spend my freedom moaning and whining about the weather conditions, I slipped on the most comfortable clothes I could find; a tank top and a pair of old ass, torn up shorts._

_I was going to Jazz's place._

_The Hale's house was a villa. A pretty villa with white trimmings and a white picket fence and a beautiful oak tree that stood over the house. I loved it. Ever since I was a teensy thing I used to walk or toddle up the beat up route, scuffed by him, by me and on occasion one of the parents, brining over something or to call us._

_I could walk to his house blindfolded and we were pretty sure we could still see the blood stains from previous journeys. Obviously the blood was mine. _

_Before leaving my house, I waved goodbye to Renee, my mum, who sat fanning herself on the wicker chairs on the front porch, a huge white floppy hat covering half her face. _

"_Honey", she called out, squinting against the sunlight, "Off to the Hale's already?"_

_I quickly nodded and told her that I'd be back in time for lunch. _

"_Will Jazz be joining us?"_

"_Maybe, I dunno. Hey ma, could I take over some of the left over lemonade?"_

"_Sure thing, sweetie. But leave some for Daddy. You know how the heat makes him" She rolled her eyes and smiled, "Oh and, Be safe" With that being said she closed her eyes and leaned back on the chair. So the heat wasn't getting to me alone. Good to know. _

_I hurried back in and took out the heavy pitcher of ice cold lemonade and held it close against my body. I sighed._

_Sweet Baby Jesus. This was heaven._

_Carrying it out, I noticed the sweating pitcher had left a huge wet spot on my top. But I couldn't be bothered enough, I was on a mission to make my holidays fun. Nothing could stop me. Besides, the blistering sun would suck out the moisture in no time, I reasoned. And then I set off, braving the burning wasteland. _

_Upon entering the gateway to my second home bar none, I noticed Mrs Hale, or Dorothy as she insisted I call her, laying back on beach recliner, fanning herself with a magazine. Mums, I smirked internally. They're the same, everywhere._

"_Hi Mrs. Hale!" I smiled, rushing up the steps and tripping on one. Luckily I caught myself before I became Lemonde-fied. Whoo, sweaty _and_ sticky was not on my list of thins I wanted for today._

"_Hey little one, Jazz's right upstairs. Barge in loudly for me, sugar. He never lets me do that anymore" She pouted. I laughed. Jazz's mum was so frickin cool. I absolutely loved her._

"_Sure, I'll even add some stomping around for you" I grinned._

_Walking up the staircase, I could hear muffled beats coming from his room and what sounded like a raccoon dying. Curious I went back on my barging in word and crept in, instead. It would not do to disturb whatever that was going on._

_And what a sight greeted my eyes._

_There stood Jasper, in his boxers and a wife beater, holding a hockey stick like a mic and rocking out to…Barry Manilow? _

"_Her name was Lola!_

_She was a show girl,_

_With yellow feathers in her hair,_

_And her… Fuck"_

_Lets just say he never lived that down. Nor could he shake off his new nick name. 'Cuz he was Lola, a showgirl. _

_I snickered._

Setting me upright he asked, smirking, "What is it Swan? The second time today?"

Well, he was clearly enjoying my embarrassment. Douche.

"Hah, no actually, it was…" I started out, but stopped abruptly and my eyes narrowed.

Guess who was standing behind Jazz? Michael fucking Newton, that's who.

He cleared his throat nervously.

He was the cause for the whole shindig going down and he stood right there, proud and gay as a motherfucking tellytubby.

If you haven't caught on yet I was awfully pissed at that sonofabitch.

He was in for a world of pain.

"Alright Mike, what do you want?" I snarled at him.

"Errr…." He began, "I wanted to apologize, "for you know, yesterday?" Oh the nerve. He had some balls on him. But the thing is, you don't just say sorry when you feel someone up in class without their permission. No. You rip off your aforementioned balls and hand it to the girl on a silver platter. In class, I tell you. In front of all the Psych majors. In front of Professor Banner. All of them saw his grabby hands rubbing against my backside. I nearly hurled at that memory. I felt my cheeks burn with acute embarrassment. I had to face them today.

My internal panicking was put on hold by Jasper. "And what just happened yesterday?" he asked frighteningly calm, his face an immaculate mask of peace. Oh no. This wasn't going to be good. Not at all. When Mike just stood there staring at him Jazz stepped in front of me.

Oh my. The look on his face would have made me pee my pants if I hadn't known him since daycare. The amount of mud we ate. No wonder my eyes were brown. I inappropriately smiled at that recollection.

Mike, the poor fucker, taking my smile as an encouragement, blubbered out, "I am _so_ sorry. I was," cough, "I'm sorry for", gulp, "you know, feeling you up yesterday…" his voice turned to a whisper. And before I could reply, Jazz had him hoisted up by the collar.

The poor motherfucker.

"Listen here Tinky Winky, mah princess is like mah baby sister", he growled his Texan twang more pronounced than ever, "you mess with her, you mess with me"

He was breathing heavily. He looked lethal and his eyes seemed to spew fire, gone were the cornflower blues I so loved. His eyes were black.

Black as the poor sonofabitch's fate.

Michael Newton actually whimpered out for his mommy. Haha. This was fun. But than again, this was more than was needed. I thought the douchebag should rot in hell but shitting his pants in front of the whole cafeteria was pushing it.

I would have the last word.

"Look here dumbshit", I hissed, "you were drunk and I think you're the most worthless asshole ever. But I'm a nice girl. I forgive you" Mike's pupils dilated and he struggled in Jazz vice grip. "But now. Piss. The. Fuck. Off" I growled.

He pushed off Jasper and doubled back before he threw himself forward into an all out sprint.

Woohoo! I was mighty pleased with myself. I was such a bad ass.

I turned around to gloat to Jasper, when I saw his face.

Sweet Baby Jesus. No wonder Mike ran with his tail tucked between his legs.

His shoulders were shaking. He looked like a mountain waiting to erupt. Yikes.

"Relax, Lola Darlin", I smiled, knowing that my teasing pet name for him would calm him down, "You needn't blow up this place with your uber masculine fury" I knew teasing him when he was out for blood seem like a _really _stupid thing to do. But it was me, his baby sistah. Hey, he said it, not me.

In less than a second the volcano sucked back all the terror and destruction it was going to rain down on the unwary passerbys and he grinned. His eyes were blue again and the world was safe. Thanks to the Power Puff Girl.

I grinned back but quickly masked my amusement, recollecting my tainted victory over Mike. I looked at him sternly.

"Listen here Jasper Hale. I don't need you protecting me and fighting my battles for me all the time! I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself"

His face turned repentant "I just worry for you Princess"

That. Was. So. Sweet. But I wouldn't let him see me ease off. Not now, now was my Big Sister Swan time.

He grinned suddenly and his lips stretched into a wicked smirk, he said "Oh doll, I saw you take care of yourself. Eyes closed, teeth gritting, face planting and all"

Well there went my argument. Whistling right out the window.

Pheeeeeeoooooo Kerrsplat.

"Yeah, yeah mother hen, can we get something to eat" I grumbled trying to shift the topic.

"Sure thing squirt, sure thing"

Cocky bastard.

I looked up, widening my eyes, pouting ever so slightly and drawing my eye brows together. Hah, lets see him fight this one off.

"Oh honey, you're right. As always. Just don't look at me that way" He frowned, his face becoming the very picture of sorrow.

"Really?" I said, shocked that it worked so quickly. Whoa.

"No" he smirked.

Again. Cocky bastard.

"I just set myself up for that, didn't I?" I asked half amused.

"It stopped working when we were five" he rolled his eyes.

Grumble-Snap-Good-for-nothing-Hillbilly.

I reached out and grabbed his ear and dragged him behind me to the counters as he cursed and swore. Ah such a bad boy.

"Ow, motherfucking _ouch"_ He yelled. "That hurt, Swan" He scowled down at me.

Teehee.

"Awww, baby. Here Mamma'll kiss it alright"

His eyes widened before he gave me the quintessential 'What the Hell' look.

"I was kidding Jazz"

He just looked more cheesed off. I burst into peals of laughter. He was a real treat.

"Well, hmph. You can't be seductive to save your little ass, Peaches" He smirked. "Its just wrong, you hear me Lil' Miss Peaches Swan?".

I stared at him before scowling. He dare use my name.

Dirty playing a-hole.

When there's an argument, you never use my name. Ever. Its not my fault my hippie mother, whom I love, had a strange and unforeseen craving for peaches when she was pregnant.

I repeat Ever.

I swear, one more joke about how peachy my peaches looked and I will explode. In anger. In wrathful murderous rage.

Peaches Primrose Swan.

My name.

Is.

Fail.

Grumble-Snap-Stupid-Name.

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><p>Well?<p>

Likey?

NO likey? :(

Confuse? Lemme know.

First ever fanfic so be BRUTAL.

Yeah. You heard me right. I'm a big girl. With big girl panties. Lace and stuff.

So will anyone actually read this? O.O


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